Learning to Love Unconditionally

I am the proud mother of 25 children (well, 43 if you count Storm’s boys). Each one of the girls is amazing in her own way and has blessed my life. After my experience as a resident chaplain thus far, I have a whole new respect for mothers. Never in my life have I been so proud of someone as I have been of my girls. I can’t quite describe to you what it feels like to watch the girls take an idea and work worth it to form it into something incredible, and that is seemingly of no benefit to them. I’ve also watched them make tough decisions that while may be incredibly difficult for them, are the best option they have for their futures and the protection of their hearts. I’ve also never been more disappointed in someone before. It’s hard to watch someone you have so much respect for shoot someone down with a single word, or watch them give up when you know that they have so much more inside of them that they could give so that they could make the hard way work and not have to settle for the easy road. I’ve also never felt like more of a failure. Letting these girls down is the most terrible thing I’ve done. I’ve sat in my room before crying and trying to figure out what I did wrong, wishing I could rewind the past few hours so that I could fix everything, so that I could be there that time, so that I wouldn’t let them down like I did my first and only shot I had at the situation. I now know what it feels like to sacrifice all of me for someone else, what it looks like to drop everything I’m doing and everything I have to do so that I can be there for someone. I’ve learned humility in realizing that if I want to support and love these girls, I can’t do it on my own. If I try to carry them by myself, I’m going to trip and fall and drop them. I’ve also never had my heart broken quite like I have this year. I now understand to a greater level what it feels like to have a child leave home. It’s near impossible to let them go and try and make it on their own. It’s hard to say good bye and trust that the time, effort, and love you put in will have impacted them in some way and that they have to tools to carry themselves now. Watching one of my girls go is like losing a piece of my heart. I don’t think I could ever be ready to watch one of them walk away, away from me, to bigger and better things. Not because I don’t think they can do it, I know they can, but because I’m simply not ready to admit that my time is done.

My girls call me Big Mama. Every time one of them says that to me, I glow. Some people say that it’s not my job as an RC to be their mom, but I’m okay that in some regards I am. I love them like they are my children. I’ve got to participate in their celebrating, I’ve offered a listening ear, I get to hug them when I’m overflowing with joy for them, I’ve held them when they’ve cried, I’ve let them in to my life, I’ve been proud and disappointed because I’ve seen what they are, and see what they can be. I’ve got to watch them grow in to amazing young women of God, and I’m excited to see what is in store for them next because I know it will be incredible. I’ve learned to love them unconditionally. No matter what they do, no matter what they say, I will always love them. It’s about me showing them that they are worth it, that they are cared about and valued. There is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them, and that’s the way it should be. But for this week, I don’t have to be a mom. I got to send them home to their real moms, and now I’m back with mine. Thank the Lord for moms. I don’t know how I would survive without mine.